Photo credit: Tim McFadden, my big bro :)
Children were not in our plans almost 12 years ago when we got married. To go from thinking we would have none to on the verge of three is nothing other than a testament to the work of God in our marriage and as individuals.
To have a worker, run my own business mindset and to pretty much push the pause button on my dreams, goals and passions to not only raise kids but to homeschool them has been my most challenging, heart altering and faith building season of life thus far.
I've learned over the years that whatever I do, I do it wholeheartedly. The problem with that is when you're a mom with young kids you find yourself getting more frustrated and resentful towards them when they interfere with what you "have to do" or "wish" you could be doing. But, life shouldn't just revolve around my kids, right? I need to do things that I love, that fill me, that have "purpose" because otherwise I'll be a "bad" mom and wife. Well, yes, but does it have to be only in ways that YOU can think up?
What if God allowed you to be stripped of what you THOUGHT were the only things that could make you come to life for a period of time in order to bring in new things? Even if it meant you had to literally grieve the losses of them? What if you felt like during that time of loss at certain moments you couldn't recognize the only self that you knew? That was me.
Through it all, God was and continues to be faithful to provide for my deepest needs and desires. He has given me ways to still use my giftings, discover new ones, have creative outlets, even still generate some income and ALL not at the expense of my young families needs. It took a LOT of surrendering, DEEP self reflection and most of all tear filled PRAYERS.
Though this whole "dying to self" way of living that I have chosen can be hard at times, I know that God is doing amazing things in and through me, my marriage and my family that could NEVER be done through any other set of circumstances. So I persevere. I release. I trust. And my joy increases.
This is REAL living and something beautiful that I couldn't have ever dreamed up for myself.
Photo credit: Tim McFadden, my big bro :)
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